Due to the nature of the following, I have had to assume a pen name: Parker Ballpoint.
As you read on the reason will become clear.
My wife and I have spent nineteen years teaching my son, Alex, how to get along with others, get good grades, and be a decent person. Basically, we’ve been teaching him how to get along in the sand box.
I am happy to say that, for the most part, we’ve succeeded.
He went to college, he gots good grades, he had a great sense of humor, loads of friends and a strong sense of self. He was only lacking in the one area that all men are weak in: the world of perpetually changing rules that governs the male/female relationship.When he started dating he asked questions that I never had the huevos to bring up as a teen, I felt it was time to give him some fatherly advice. So I asked my buddies to help. After several beers we jointly came up with our version of:
Sand Box Rules for Men.
Sand Box Rule#1:
Unless you’re a lawyer or politician, honesty is paramount in any human relationship.
Be aware that honesty has to have some flexibility to it. I’m not suggesting lying, but I am a firm believer in shades of grey. Never tell an out-right lie. You will get caught. Besides, why compromise your integrity when you’re bound to lose the argument anyhow? Still, occasionally slightly coloring the truth is o.k. actually; it can be beneficial depending on the circumstances. Kind of like make-up. Not counting Gene Simmons, Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson, whose financial support of the cosmetic industry must be monumental; you’ll find that all women apparently believe that a little lie is o.k. After all, isn’t it at least a little dishonest to cover up your natural face with one that comes from a collection of bottles and jars? Although frankly, looking back at some of my dating experiences, I feel a certain gratitude for the likes of Max Factor.
Case in point:
A long time ago I dated a girl who espoused the virtues of honesty and claimed she never told any lies. One day she proclaimed “I am the genuine thing. What you see is what you get.”
I was curious- so I dumped the contents of her purse on the table and sorted out her honest lipstick, honest eyeliner, honest mascara; I could go on, but the point was made.
She didn’t even try to be a good sport about it.
A word of learned caution is in order here. Don’t do this in an expensive restaurant that has a maitre’ d with a name like Bruno.
Sand Box Rule#2
Sympathy is always important; creative sympathy is imperative.
Even if you can’t feel personal sorrow that her team didn’t win, sympathize with her. You’d be surprised how often she’s probably doing the same for you.
Case in Point:
A female friend (I’m told that she’s ONLY a friend) of my son was a NASCAR fan. My son however, saw no point in spending an entire day or two watching a bunch of guys making high- speed left turns in brightly colored, oversized Hot Wheel cars.
Granted, it gets exciting when one of them accidentally throws in a right hand turn but that’s feasting on the misfortune of others.
When she expressed her profound disappointment in the fact that her favorite driver crashed and couldn’t finish the race, my son committed a fatal error. He laughed.
This obviously didn’t end well.
Sand Box Rule #3:
Even though you may not have an opinion on a particular subject, you need one. Then count on it being wrong.
As strange as it may sound, it seems that a wrong opinion is far better than none at all. Nothing will frustrate her more than when she asks for your opinion on a subject that she feels strongly about and gets a response like “I don’t know-I never thought about it.” For some reason, just going along with her opinion is almost as bad. Creativity is important here. You should say something that sounds like you agree with her opinion with some slight modifications to personalize it.
Case in Point:
Imagine you are both out shopping (not a normal male activity; males hunt, we do not shop) for a widget. Personally, you don’t care what color widget you end up with. You just want to make the purchase and get the hell out of the store before she sees the shoe department. She finds the widget department and asks “What do you think about this red one?” Stop! Before you make the mistake of casually saying “I don’t care”, or, “Sure that’s O.K.”, say something that tells her that the widget color is very important to you and you’re carefully thinking about this life-changing purchase. Try a phrase such as: “I like red widgets too, but have you thought about trying blue?”(this phrase should only be used while discussing red and blue widgets). Whatever else follows, the widget will still end up being red but at least you shared your well thought out, nevertheless, wrong opinion. After enough years of doing this you can just settle back and wait until she tells you what your opinion is.
Sand Box Rule #4
Don’t ever miss an important gift giving occasion. Ever. Instead, maintain a hidden, not mental, list of important dates and things she has said she would like and then update it at least every few years. Actually, the better plan is to have a few of the smaller items tucked away somewhere. Wrap them in an attractive but unspecific paper and have a blank card or two available to fill out in an emergency. Then, if confronted with a forgotten anniversary or birthday or other gift -giving day such as Arbor Day because you forgot to check your list, you can look like a hero instead of the thoughtless slug you may really be.
Case in Point:
This practice has saved my bacon on a few occasions. Enough said.
Sand Box Rule #5
Learn how to use the closed caption setting on the TV. That way when she comes in and stands with her back to the set and starts talking to you, you can show respect for her concerns by muting the set. This allows you to keep up with the dialogue or score while still appearing to pay attention to her. It helps to nod occassionally. Do however, pay close attention if you are hearing phrases that contain words like: “house….fire…”, “car…..accident…” or any combination of “the baby”, “wrestling” and “badgers”.
The Desert Curmudgeon 